i wonder if the defenses and the avoidance have robbed you of the passion and stories to tell. Avoiding pain is all well and good but the gamble in everything is that it an end well or end badly, if you aren't in the race you cannot win.

i understand where you are coming from, because i have done the same thing myself. I have been largely absent from lj for a number of reasons, one of which being that i feel somewhat under scrutiny, part of this is infected paranoia from being here so long and part of it is a genuine worry about it which will make more sense in a couple of days.

I cannot adventure, i cannot take risks because arrest here for me could be very bad. All i have done in the last few weeks is go to work and play CoD online. This is not productive, but there i am, trapped, mostly by myself.

I hate to say this, but you may have to put yourself out there and into the world where you can get gennuinely pissed off about something that you can affect change on.