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Okay, so given that the United States is circling inexorably around the plughole of the universal toilet right now anyway, I have nothing better to do than consider how many things I have to do to go straight to hell in the Express Lane.
With that in mind, I give you the Ten Commandments, in a different translation than I ever saw when I was a wee Catholic lass, but they're basically the same.
I. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
IV. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
V. Honour thy father and thy mother.
VI. Thou shalt not kill.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal.
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
X. Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.
So, to go straight to hell as quickly as possible, because I've been coveting my neighbour's television for a while, (X), I will take it to my apartment (VIII). We all know that television is the American God anyway, so there's (I) and probably (II) as well, if you consider it a false idol, which is what I recall the translation of II as being. I plan to do all this on Sunday so that I can watch some sort of sports show and reinforce (II) and add (IV). When my neighbour's wife breaks in, I will swear in startlement (I do this at sudden gusts of wind, so, you know.) This breaks (III), and if I add a good cursing of my ancestors (does motherfucker count?) that gets (V). However, she's sort of hot, so I'll go for (VII) there. When my neighbour finds out, I will kill my neighbour (VI) with the intent to claim that he attacked me and it was self defence (IX).
I figure this could take about an hour tops.
With that in mind, I give you the Ten Commandments, in a different translation than I ever saw when I was a wee Catholic lass, but they're basically the same.
I. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
IV. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
V. Honour thy father and thy mother.
VI. Thou shalt not kill.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal.
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
X. Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.
So, to go straight to hell as quickly as possible, because I've been coveting my neighbour's television for a while, (X), I will take it to my apartment (VIII). We all know that television is the American God anyway, so there's (I) and probably (II) as well, if you consider it a false idol, which is what I recall the translation of II as being. I plan to do all this on Sunday so that I can watch some sort of sports show and reinforce (II) and add (IV). When my neighbour's wife breaks in, I will swear in startlement (I do this at sudden gusts of wind, so, you know.) This breaks (III), and if I add a good cursing of my ancestors (does motherfucker count?) that gets (V). However, she's sort of hot, so I'll go for (VII) there. When my neighbour finds out, I will kill my neighbour (VI) with the intent to claim that he attacked me and it was self defence (IX).
I figure this could take about an hour tops.
