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I went to work today. There was no moon of blood, nor was there much of anything else indicating that today would not be a good day to be here. And indeed, until five minutes ago, it was, in fact, an exceptionally good day.
About an hour ago, someone came in and recognised![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
graeae and asked if she had gone to Mt. Rainier - at which point my ears perked up. So it turns out that someone who was in our English classes (and who I had a lot of classes with, actually) had just come into the store.
She introduced herself - since everyone remembers me, I'm 6'4" - and we did the obligatory "Oh, hi, how you doing, etc." Then she went off to do her stuff and I went back to fucking off - I mean, working.
About five minutes ago, she came over and said something to the effect of "I know we didn't talk much in high school, and I know I didn't give you any of the crap you go, but I never stuck up for you either, even though I wanted to, and I wanted to apologise for that."
The only acceptable thing to do in a situation like that is to say "Oh, no, it's all right, thanks, blah blah blah," so I did that.
But now I'm getting steamed.
I'm not interested in playing the game of "who had it worse in school, me or you." It doesn't matter to me. High school is very much a subjective experience, and mine, subjectively, sucked. Not that it was the absolute nadir of my life, but it was bad. For reasons I'm not at all comfortable about getting into here, but suffice it to say, I know why, and that's what matters.
However, this sort of thing has the effect - especially ten years later - of coming off as a salve to one's own conscience. Like, suddenly, you've been presented with an opportunity - and bear in mind, I am not that hard to track down if you really want to - to make yourself feel better about shit that went down a decade ago, so, since you've clearly been lying awake at night wondering whether I killed myself over the treatment I received (and note, please, that I have only been suicidal once in my life, and I am deeply ashamed of the way that I treated the one person who knew about that). So, I'll accept the apologies - or the demands for apologies - if they come my way, but it makes me feel used. Very used. Like now you think that you should make up for something that, guess what, I've gotten over.
I got over it. I went to Evergreen, I went to Oxford, I've had jobs, I've been to four countries and several states since. I've got new hobbies, new interests, and a new definition of myself. And I know that this all worked because I don't feel much of anything when I remember high school now - just a series of disconnected images, of which a few are not me, and of the rest of which, I don't feel shame. There are only about three that stick with me that hurt, and one of those is because it was a very personal attack by a friend. Big fucking deal, over, done, out.
I am not a drive thru confessional, nor is anyone else. I can understand wanting to apologise, and I'm a lot less angry about that than I think I am - and I've gracefully accepted an apology from someone who was a lot more directly responsible for the shit - but it's the feeling of not really caring.
I know that what I need to do is regard it as what she was able to do at the time, and to live my own life, but still, it feels like if you want to bring all that up again, you might as well do it before ten years have passed.
And I reread that and realise that I'm expecting perfection from people who weren't able to give it then, and are maybe only able to give it now.
I salute - wherever he is - Chris Sorrells, for having the balls to apologise when it was relevant. And I suppose I accept this apology to end her issues with high school, at least the ones related to me, but I don't need it for myself. I know who I am now, and that shit's not me.
About an hour ago, someone came in and recognised
graeae and asked if she had gone to Mt. Rainier - at which point my ears perked up. So it turns out that someone who was in our English classes (and who I had a lot of classes with, actually) had just come into the store. She introduced herself - since everyone remembers me, I'm 6'4" - and we did the obligatory "Oh, hi, how you doing, etc." Then she went off to do her stuff and I went back to fucking off - I mean, working.
About five minutes ago, she came over and said something to the effect of "I know we didn't talk much in high school, and I know I didn't give you any of the crap you go, but I never stuck up for you either, even though I wanted to, and I wanted to apologise for that."
The only acceptable thing to do in a situation like that is to say "Oh, no, it's all right, thanks, blah blah blah," so I did that.
But now I'm getting steamed.
I'm not interested in playing the game of "who had it worse in school, me or you." It doesn't matter to me. High school is very much a subjective experience, and mine, subjectively, sucked. Not that it was the absolute nadir of my life, but it was bad. For reasons I'm not at all comfortable about getting into here, but suffice it to say, I know why, and that's what matters.
However, this sort of thing has the effect - especially ten years later - of coming off as a salve to one's own conscience. Like, suddenly, you've been presented with an opportunity - and bear in mind, I am not that hard to track down if you really want to - to make yourself feel better about shit that went down a decade ago, so, since you've clearly been lying awake at night wondering whether I killed myself over the treatment I received (and note, please, that I have only been suicidal once in my life, and I am deeply ashamed of the way that I treated the one person who knew about that). So, I'll accept the apologies - or the demands for apologies - if they come my way, but it makes me feel used. Very used. Like now you think that you should make up for something that, guess what, I've gotten over.
I got over it. I went to Evergreen, I went to Oxford, I've had jobs, I've been to four countries and several states since. I've got new hobbies, new interests, and a new definition of myself. And I know that this all worked because I don't feel much of anything when I remember high school now - just a series of disconnected images, of which a few are not me, and of the rest of which, I don't feel shame. There are only about three that stick with me that hurt, and one of those is because it was a very personal attack by a friend. Big fucking deal, over, done, out.
I am not a drive thru confessional, nor is anyone else. I can understand wanting to apologise, and I'm a lot less angry about that than I think I am - and I've gracefully accepted an apology from someone who was a lot more directly responsible for the shit - but it's the feeling of not really caring.
I know that what I need to do is regard it as what she was able to do at the time, and to live my own life, but still, it feels like if you want to bring all that up again, you might as well do it before ten years have passed.
And I reread that and realise that I'm expecting perfection from people who weren't able to give it then, and are maybe only able to give it now.
I salute - wherever he is - Chris Sorrells, for having the balls to apologise when it was relevant. And I suppose I accept this apology to end her issues with high school, at least the ones related to me, but I don't need it for myself. I know who I am now, and that shit's not me.
.