(no subject)

Dear Hollywood:

How is it that Willem Dafoe has been in every movie ever made, including the 1898 Richard III, and yet I cannot simply use him as the IMDb nexus around which my movies revolve because he has never made a movie with Nick Stahl, Alan Rickman, or Johnny Depp?

Please put Willem Dafoe in more movies so that my index fingers don't cramp from having to make those four extra clicks in the process of one-clicking my favourite actors.

Oh wait, I guess he's been in two movies with Johnny Depp.

Well, then, he needs to be in a movie with Nick Stahl. And Alan Rickman. Hop to it.

I will not even make the obligatory joke here, if you comply quickly.

No love,
Me

EDIT: Actually, I guess it was three movies with Johnny Depp.

(no subject)

Hi, Life?

Stop making my eyes bug out of my head and spin around in their sockets like badly-made friction cars. Stop making the words out of my mouth turn out to be, and I quote, "WTF?" Stop showing me what a WTF-face looks like when I look in the mirror.

Life, you're a bitch normally, and that's fine. BUT RIGHT NOW YOU ARE CONFUSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME CAN'T I JUST DO SOMETHING NORMAL AND FALL IN LOVE OR SOMETHING ELSE MISERABLE LIKE BUYING ABOUT TWENTY CATS?

I do not like it when you go well, Life. I especially do not like it when I have the sense that this is the blow-up on the whoopie cushion of you, Life. I do not understand. I do not have a song in my heart, a spring-fresh feeling, or much of anything else that I keep getting told is the mark of a positive experience. I have been hit with two positive experiences today thus far, and so far, all I feel is a sense of MOUNTING DREAD.

I have the sense that you are about to pull on that carpet end, there, Life. Yeah, the one in your hands. I see that tassel. I SEE IT, BITCH. DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

I am WATCHING for your punji trap, Life. I've got my eyes on the path. Bitch.

No love,
a very confused me.