Once more, with feeling

I hate being told that whatever I think when I post in my journal is what I THINK FOREVER OMG. Because, yanno, I'm not at all capable of changing my mind...learning new things...relaxing the emotional overdrive enough to think rationally...generally changing at all.

No. When I post something in my journal, or in a ranting community, or in a non-ranting community, or, hell, in Aramaic on the inside of my nose, that is, of course, how I will feel forever and anon about things.

Let me make this clear one more time. I am tired of saying it, and future requirements that this be said will result in beatings. And the beatings will continue until my morale improves. Given how low my morale is right now, that's going to take a long time. Bring a sandwich.

The only thing in life that I have never, ever changed my mind on is George Bush. I used to swear up and down that I wouldn't buy an American car; I have never owned anything but. I used to believe that the death penalty was a marvellous idea, then I decided it wasn't, then I decided it was, and now I waffle and consider it on a specific-cases basis. I used to believe that going to Evergreen was the be all and end all of cool; then I found out it was mainly sort of unclean, but still fun. I used to believe that the Israelis had the total right to have Israel, and wasn't it cool that America had rectified this massive injustice. I used to believe in god, then I denied the existence of god, then I developed a spirituality that was not about god per se, then I simply feared organised religion.

I used to be angry. I used to live my life in a seething rage at all times. I took negativity to new levels of negative. I redefined the emotion and made it my bitch. Occasionally I souped it up with a drop of depression, or gratuitous nastiness or simply sheer towering ego and the belief that the world should goddamn well re-form around me as its centre.

I used to trust people, oddly enough. Mainly I trusted them not to behave with any more intelligence than that given to dormice, but it was trust, of a sort, and we made it work, me and humanity. We were beautiful together, me and my hatred of all other human beings.

And then I changed. I found a job I like. I have a degree I like. If I don't have a life, at least I have something that I use as one. I write, I sew, I go to the David Cronenberg film festival, I watch movies in velvet pajamas. I write, on average, far more than is healthy for any one individual. I'm a lot less consistently negative.

Apparently, this comes as a surprise to people. Or perhaps the fact that I am not emotionally stable comes as a surprise. Whatever the case, it is invariably true that immediately after I have some nuclear-strength meltdown and say the things I am thinking at that moment someone chooses to believe that I mean them for all eternity and secretly I'm just Playing Nice to get in everyone else's pants.

Though my opinions and beliefs and - indeed - my life change as my circumstances and my emotional state change, people don't believe that I do.

I have gotten into more trouble (if by trouble you mean "tempest in a teapot" shit) with people who don't understand that I do use this journal for ranting, and I do use the entirety of Livejournal as appropriate for ranting. And I rant, and then I get over it. I rant, I let go of whatever is irritating me, I make a mental note not to trust the person I have ranted about on the issue-of-rant again, and I carry on with my life.

And you know what? I still have the freedom of speech to do so.

Anyone who assumes that what I say here is what goes ever and anon is making a big mistake. Anyone who acts on that supposition is making an even bigger mistake. Anyone who thinks that I do not mean what I say, and that I am not capable of working professionally with people I actively dislike has never, ever held a job in food service, and more to the point thinks that I lie.

If I am lying, I don't know it, and I invite you to indicate when I cannot work with someone that I have chosen to work professionally with. I do point out, before my inbox spontaneously combusts, that any time I post a comment on LJ that actively mocks someone, I have chosen not to work professionally with them. But any time I choose to rant about someone, I either get over it via the ranting, or else I choose to work professionally with the person in question, and it doesn't come up, or else I choose not to work with the person at all, and it doesn't come up.

And further to the point, to me. It's an issue of privacy. I realise that privacy is a stupid term for something written on the internet, and written specifically for other people to read, but then again, if I choose to flock an entry (most of this journal is not flocked, but the twenty percent that is is where the drama lieth) I expect that people will respect that and will not speak of it to people who can be considered involved.

I respect that when you do it. Respect it when I do.

I'm done. Anything further that needs to be said on this subject doesn't need to be said by me.

One of you has an email from me addressing this issue. If you have it, you know that I have both made the contact that is required by my frustration and that I have used this journal to discuss how it makes me feel that such a thing is required. And it may turn out that this is all a giant game of telephone, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to how horrible I am again. From anyone. Ever.