![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Today, I think I have solved the inexplicable problem of answering emails, feeling obligated, and doing things I really don't want to. I did not, in fact, get drunk to do this.
Instead, I found my self-esteem, in a small box under the bed. And I realised, looking at it, that it'd been a while since I'd worn a spine to work, so I decided to. And now I'm kicking ass and taking names, because after I put on my spine, I realised something. You all know this, so bear with me.
Every single person who emails me, professionally and/or personally (though particularly professionally) wants something from me. This is not a bad thing, per se, it's simply a thing, but I have trouble, as I've discussed in the past, with reading emails promptly because I've somehow become convinced that people hate me. If they do, they have yet to email me. But everyone who emails me at work from outside the company (therefore in the category of "people I don't trust") wants something from ME, usually a book contract but occasionally other things.
They would have to be fools to take offence at my behaviour. That doesn't mean I can behave badly toward them, but it does mean that it's unlikely I'll open the emails and see only a string of expletives.
It also means that I am not obligated to achieve perfection before I send emails back to people. If you want perfection, tell me before it's going to happen, not after.
I feel very guilt-free now, and that's a nice feeling, because I've been conflating a couple of real things with a couple of not-real things and imagining that the real things and the not-real things informed each other, when the reality is they don't. So I have not failed, and I do not have to feel guilty.
And it turns out that it's easier to get through the day if you're not hunching over, waiting for someone's scorn and disapproval, particularly when they have no reason to provide either.
Instead, I found my self-esteem, in a small box under the bed. And I realised, looking at it, that it'd been a while since I'd worn a spine to work, so I decided to. And now I'm kicking ass and taking names, because after I put on my spine, I realised something. You all know this, so bear with me.
Every single person who emails me, professionally and/or personally (though particularly professionally) wants something from me. This is not a bad thing, per se, it's simply a thing, but I have trouble, as I've discussed in the past, with reading emails promptly because I've somehow become convinced that people hate me. If they do, they have yet to email me. But everyone who emails me at work from outside the company (therefore in the category of "people I don't trust") wants something from ME, usually a book contract but occasionally other things.
They would have to be fools to take offence at my behaviour. That doesn't mean I can behave badly toward them, but it does mean that it's unlikely I'll open the emails and see only a string of expletives.
It also means that I am not obligated to achieve perfection before I send emails back to people. If you want perfection, tell me before it's going to happen, not after.
I feel very guilt-free now, and that's a nice feeling, because I've been conflating a couple of real things with a couple of not-real things and imagining that the real things and the not-real things informed each other, when the reality is they don't. So I have not failed, and I do not have to feel guilty.
And it turns out that it's easier to get through the day if you're not hunching over, waiting for someone's scorn and disapproval, particularly when they have no reason to provide either.
Tags: