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apiphile. I don't think I can top her answers, but I will try.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. Yet I still have my dad's ex-wife's middle name for my middle name. It only took him two months to tell my mom this.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today at lunch when I ate about a quarter of a jalapeno, thinking, due to presentation, that it was a green pepper. I also stopped breathing.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I want to have its babies.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
None. I remain unconvinced that lunch meat is actually meat. And I don't generally eat lunch. Nor do I generally eat lunch meat.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
If I say yes, do you promise not to call Child Protective Services? I don't know whose they are.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Every time I'm introduced to someone who's just like me so we'll obviously be great friends, I generally can't stand them and want to murder them. So, probably not. Or, wait. Okay, no, this question is giving me a headache.
I know! If I were another person, I would have sex with me! Isn't that what everyone does when they're inadvertently cloned? And also, for purposes of research, can I be, say, Gerard Way when I meet me? His wife's hot.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
For what, floor polish?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I gave them to science.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Only if the other option was "Listen to a selection of 90s Greatest Hits performed by The Spin Doctors."
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Childish.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I remove my shoes with box cutters.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Who in the fuck is so narrow minded that they have a favourite ice cream? That's like saying "I like $20s more than $1s." Well, so do I, but I'm not going to object if someone wants to give me a few hundred thousand of either!
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
That they are in my way.
14. RED OR PINK?
I don't even understand the reason for this question. Red or pink WHAT? I prefer red blood and pink champagne, because the other way around would be weird, but I WEAR red and dye my hair pink because the other way around would be - work with me here - WEIRD.
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My inability to pass up surveys written by fifteen year olds who should know better.
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
So far, everyone. Them Secret Service agents is tricky.
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
YES PLEASE, PREFERABLY IN BAHASA INDONESIA. Can't you just see the results of 6 billion+ people completing this survey? THE INTERNET WOULD CHOKE AND DIE.
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Gender-neutral norms suck.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Vibrating waves.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Let's go with how I would not be a crayon.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The smell of being paid for being awesome.
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Alive.
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Has this really been making the rounds since 1996? It's amazingly intact.
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
What is the POINT of watching sports? Tits or GTFO.
25. HAIR COLOR?
Why, are you drawing a composite for the FBI?
26. EYE COLOR?
Various.
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Seriously, was this put on the internet by the FBI so I would profile MYSELF? FUCK YOU AND ALSO I AM WEARING A KEFFIYAH.
28. FAVORITE FOODS?
Carbon-based.
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Arthouse indie movies about Canadian junkies.
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Was stupid.
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Red. With a geisha on.
32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I LOVE NOTHING.
33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Touch me and I'll kneecap you.
34. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
To WHAT? I mean, the mating call of a peacock would, I imagine, be most likely responded to by a peahen. YOU MUST GIVE ME A SUBJECT, FUCKHEAD.
35. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Wait, I'm upgrading you to chucklefucker now.
36. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW
Many. They're all better than anything you've ever read. And don't even think about writing or I'll break your arms. I'll get my entourage on you.
37. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Seriously, this is from either 1996 or the FBI. I CALL SHENANIGANS. CHUCKLEFUCKER.
38. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The play of light from passing headlights. Except for not, but it sounds better than saying "I don't remember when last I turned the TV on, WHY ARE THESE SURVEYS SO HETERONORMATIVE?" Not everyone operates by plugging into a TV every fucking moment of the day.
39. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Human misery. It's also my favourite taste.
40. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Yeah, okay, this is the FBI. A fifteen year old in 1996 wouldn't know who either of these bands are. Also, why is Mick Jagger still alive? Did he sell his soul to the devil? The Beatles are dropping like flies, but most of the Stones STILL WALK THE EARTH.
41. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
5000 miles away as the latitude turns.
42. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes.
43. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
You assume a lot, chucklefucker.
44. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Dear FBI: No one does these over email any more. Just so you know.
apiphile. I don't think I can top her answers, but I will try.1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. Yet I still have my dad's ex-wife's middle name for my middle name. It only took him two months to tell my mom this.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today at lunch when I ate about a quarter of a jalapeno, thinking, due to presentation, that it was a green pepper. I also stopped breathing.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I want to have its babies.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
None. I remain unconvinced that lunch meat is actually meat. And I don't generally eat lunch. Nor do I generally eat lunch meat.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
If I say yes, do you promise not to call Child Protective Services? I don't know whose they are.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Every time I'm introduced to someone who's just like me so we'll obviously be great friends, I generally can't stand them and want to murder them. So, probably not. Or, wait. Okay, no, this question is giving me a headache.
I know! If I were another person, I would have sex with me! Isn't that what everyone does when they're inadvertently cloned? And also, for purposes of research, can I be, say, Gerard Way when I meet me? His wife's hot.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
For what, floor polish?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I gave them to science.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Only if the other option was "Listen to a selection of 90s Greatest Hits performed by The Spin Doctors."
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Childish.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I remove my shoes with box cutters.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Who in the fuck is so narrow minded that they have a favourite ice cream? That's like saying "I like $20s more than $1s." Well, so do I, but I'm not going to object if someone wants to give me a few hundred thousand of either!
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
That they are in my way.
14. RED OR PINK?
I don't even understand the reason for this question. Red or pink WHAT? I prefer red blood and pink champagne, because the other way around would be weird, but I WEAR red and dye my hair pink because the other way around would be - work with me here - WEIRD.
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My inability to pass up surveys written by fifteen year olds who should know better.
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
So far, everyone. Them Secret Service agents is tricky.
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
YES PLEASE, PREFERABLY IN BAHASA INDONESIA. Can't you just see the results of 6 billion+ people completing this survey? THE INTERNET WOULD CHOKE AND DIE.
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Gender-neutral norms suck.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Vibrating waves.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Let's go with how I would not be a crayon.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The smell of being paid for being awesome.
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Alive.
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Has this really been making the rounds since 1996? It's amazingly intact.
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
What is the POINT of watching sports? Tits or GTFO.
25. HAIR COLOR?
Why, are you drawing a composite for the FBI?
26. EYE COLOR?
Various.
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Seriously, was this put on the internet by the FBI so I would profile MYSELF? FUCK YOU AND ALSO I AM WEARING A KEFFIYAH.
28. FAVORITE FOODS?
Carbon-based.
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Arthouse indie movies about Canadian junkies.
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Was stupid.
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Red. With a geisha on.
32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I LOVE NOTHING.
33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Touch me and I'll kneecap you.
34. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
To WHAT? I mean, the mating call of a peacock would, I imagine, be most likely responded to by a peahen. YOU MUST GIVE ME A SUBJECT, FUCKHEAD.
35. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Wait, I'm upgrading you to chucklefucker now.
36. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW
Many. They're all better than anything you've ever read. And don't even think about writing or I'll break your arms. I'll get my entourage on you.
37. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Seriously, this is from either 1996 or the FBI. I CALL SHENANIGANS. CHUCKLEFUCKER.
38. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The play of light from passing headlights. Except for not, but it sounds better than saying "I don't remember when last I turned the TV on, WHY ARE THESE SURVEYS SO HETERONORMATIVE?" Not everyone operates by plugging into a TV every fucking moment of the day.
39. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Human misery. It's also my favourite taste.
40. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Yeah, okay, this is the FBI. A fifteen year old in 1996 wouldn't know who either of these bands are. Also, why is Mick Jagger still alive? Did he sell his soul to the devil? The Beatles are dropping like flies, but most of the Stones STILL WALK THE EARTH.
41. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
5000 miles away as the latitude turns.
42. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes.
43. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
You assume a lot, chucklefucker.
44. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Dear FBI: No one does these over email any more. Just so you know.
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