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I might try to develop this into a full-blown meme, although I've no idea who would pick it up. But I was thinking today that my resume, as I write it, and my real life resume are totally different.
For my real resume, I'd put something like "Developed skills in Access and Excel".
For my real life resume, I'd put something like "Spends so much time on the computer that there is nothing she cannot break first and get to work later."
You can combine jobs as well. One of my real life entries would have to be something like "Can tell you more about the care of plants, where to plant outdoor plants, the types of plants used for indoor and outdoor landscaping, flowers, bromeliads, and seasonal displays, than you might ever care to know." Which would combine my work at Eagle and my work at Plantscapes and my lifelong interest in killing green things.
The meme, I think, would ultimately, if ever done, look like this.
Real Life Resume
blah blah blah, curly bits here.
Child Psychologist, Seattle, USA, 1995-present
- Successfully watched Fried Green Tomatoes with already-traumatised child without further trauma, due to thorough explanation of key scenes, such as what exactly that man was eating.
- Overcame personal limitations to deal successfully with upset children who were missing their parents very much.
- Discovered that children really like gore. Became instant hit.
Office Professional, Multiple Locations, 1999-present
- Learned how to successfully burglarise any location by being taught how to cut keys and rekey locks, in an attempt to reduce company's vulnerability to burglary. Same attempt gave me Master Lock book, and access to all blank keys, as well as cut-key storage case. Never burglarised.
- Developed competency in reading porn at work.
- Downloaded various chat programs to maximise enjoyment of job, once it became apparent that the phone was not optiimal.
And so on and so forth.
I wonder if a totally blatant resume like this might work better?
For my real resume, I'd put something like "Developed skills in Access and Excel".
For my real life resume, I'd put something like "Spends so much time on the computer that there is nothing she cannot break first and get to work later."
You can combine jobs as well. One of my real life entries would have to be something like "Can tell you more about the care of plants, where to plant outdoor plants, the types of plants used for indoor and outdoor landscaping, flowers, bromeliads, and seasonal displays, than you might ever care to know." Which would combine my work at Eagle and my work at Plantscapes and my lifelong interest in killing green things.
The meme, I think, would ultimately, if ever done, look like this.
Real Life Resume
blah blah blah, curly bits here.
Child Psychologist, Seattle, USA, 1995-present
- Successfully watched Fried Green Tomatoes with already-traumatised child without further trauma, due to thorough explanation of key scenes, such as what exactly that man was eating.
- Overcame personal limitations to deal successfully with upset children who were missing their parents very much.
- Discovered that children really like gore. Became instant hit.
Office Professional, Multiple Locations, 1999-present
- Learned how to successfully burglarise any location by being taught how to cut keys and rekey locks, in an attempt to reduce company's vulnerability to burglary. Same attempt gave me Master Lock book, and access to all blank keys, as well as cut-key storage case. Never burglarised.
- Developed competency in reading porn at work.
- Downloaded various chat programs to maximise enjoyment of job, once it became apparent that the phone was not optiimal.
And so on and so forth.
I wonder if a totally blatant resume like this might work better?
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From:
no subject
Finely honed various espionage-related skills, such as mastering access to least-conspicuous exits in order to go home and eat lunch ten minutes after arriving at work without leaving any evidence that I left the building at all, and wandering off to the bathroom in order to take advantage of the secret room behind the ladies' room where naps could be taken.
Successfully kept professional relationship with the man I was fucking even when he had a German bitch move in with him the day after we had the best sex we'd ever had...without telling me.
Exercised professional discretion in only revealing a coworker's porno-stashing habits when I was quitting and bitter.
Reduced a woman from the Tucson Unified School District to tears with razor-sharp intelligence and stern adherence to facts.
Successfully won the respect of the mailroom manager, something not previously accomplished by anyone associated with the administration through being the only fucking person willing to work all night with her, and establishing proletariat communion by eating pizza together at three a.m.
Successfully projected absurd image of self as a "nice girl" to the point that my supervisor expressed the wish that I could be his second daughter.
Utilised creative problem-solving skills after jamming the shredder involving setting the paper on fire, then dousing it with water and trying to poke out the soggy lumps with a letter opener.
Facilitated the acquisition of a brand new shredder for my unit.
Intimidated public relations manager into revealing classified information about new administration's policy in order to find out why my boyfriend had been walked out of the building by security.
Thwarted all plans to have me walked out of the building by security by taking my last week on the job as sick leave.
Left behind so remarkable a legacy that the sight of me visiting the building caused high-level managers to hide.