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If I am passing you in the right lane, you are not driving fast enough. If I am passing you in the far right lane, you are really not driving fast enough.
I do not "tee-hee" with you at your bold, daring audacity and general fuck-the-man attitude as you go 65 in the left lane of a four-lane, 60 mph freeway.
I do not consider the following concepts entirely unreasonable, insane, or prohibited by international treaty:
If someone is coming up behind you, moving faster than you, and it is safe to do so - you move right.
If the person behind you has lights and sirens, you move as soon as you realise they're there. Fuckers.
If the light is yellow, though we all laughed at Starman, when he said yellow means drive like hell, you do not need to go through the light, particularly if you are half a block from the light when it changes. One of these days, I will hit you when my light is green and I go and I t-bone you, and I hope to fuck that you die in the accident. If I die - at least I'll have died happy. No, really - I seriously, with no regard whatsoever for karmic imbalance, hope you die.
If I have my turn signal on, just because the dumb fuck holding up my merge into your lane has finally decided that they can merge right (it's really important to do that before I go left! I don't know why, but I bet they win if they can stop me from merging left just so they can merge right before I merge!) you do not get to speed up. I have no idea how that would turn out in a court of law, but I don't really think that they'd buy that I "cut you off", given that my turn signal - you know, the blinky light that indicates a lane change? I know you have one, even if you don't use it - is ON, FUCKER. It is reasonable to expect that I am coming into your lane.
If you are a semi truck and you merge into my lane, approximately two feet from cutting me off, one. more. time....well, that really sharp movement into a free lane and then acceleration past you and a sharp merge that almost cuts you off is not my way of saying Happy Birthday. Fucker.
It is, of course, very very very important that we all get there first, despite the fact that that would have meant leaving in, approximately, 1800, if you want to be there before other white people or 12,000 years ago if you want to be there before anyone. I will not, actually, let you in if you are not at least pretending that you didn't know that the lane of traffic merging onto 99 Northbound extends all the way back to the fucking onramp for the bridge. In that case, I don't care if your turn signal is on - you are an asshat. I am being one too, but it makes me feel better, particularly since it was probably you who decided last time that you really really really needed to get into the exit lane on 509 Southbound before I got out of that lane and into the mainline lane of 509 Southbound, which meant that you accelerated, once you saw me there, then cut me off to make the exit. And yet, if you had but waited for two seconds, acknowledging a) my turn signal and b) my relative position geographically further south, I would have exited the lane, leaving it all to you.
However, there is something of an extenuating circumstance for that, and it is this: I am the only person in Seattle who can merge at more than 3/5s of the speed limit, or 20 mph, whichever is least suited for the conditions of merging and the speed limit of the freeway being merged onto. Seriously.
I do not have road rage. I merely have extremely violent impulses that are, in this context, directed at other drivers. I do not pretend that being off the road makes me a sunny person, or that being on the road turns me into evil incarnate.
One of these days I will buy a gun and make Apt Pupil look like a Sunday-school session.
I do not "tee-hee" with you at your bold, daring audacity and general fuck-the-man attitude as you go 65 in the left lane of a four-lane, 60 mph freeway.
I do not consider the following concepts entirely unreasonable, insane, or prohibited by international treaty:
If someone is coming up behind you, moving faster than you, and it is safe to do so - you move right.
If the person behind you has lights and sirens, you move as soon as you realise they're there. Fuckers.
If the light is yellow, though we all laughed at Starman, when he said yellow means drive like hell, you do not need to go through the light, particularly if you are half a block from the light when it changes. One of these days, I will hit you when my light is green and I go and I t-bone you, and I hope to fuck that you die in the accident. If I die - at least I'll have died happy. No, really - I seriously, with no regard whatsoever for karmic imbalance, hope you die.
If I have my turn signal on, just because the dumb fuck holding up my merge into your lane has finally decided that they can merge right (it's really important to do that before I go left! I don't know why, but I bet they win if they can stop me from merging left just so they can merge right before I merge!) you do not get to speed up. I have no idea how that would turn out in a court of law, but I don't really think that they'd buy that I "cut you off", given that my turn signal - you know, the blinky light that indicates a lane change? I know you have one, even if you don't use it - is ON, FUCKER. It is reasonable to expect that I am coming into your lane.
If you are a semi truck and you merge into my lane, approximately two feet from cutting me off, one. more. time....well, that really sharp movement into a free lane and then acceleration past you and a sharp merge that almost cuts you off is not my way of saying Happy Birthday. Fucker.
It is, of course, very very very important that we all get there first, despite the fact that that would have meant leaving in, approximately, 1800, if you want to be there before other white people or 12,000 years ago if you want to be there before anyone. I will not, actually, let you in if you are not at least pretending that you didn't know that the lane of traffic merging onto 99 Northbound extends all the way back to the fucking onramp for the bridge. In that case, I don't care if your turn signal is on - you are an asshat. I am being one too, but it makes me feel better, particularly since it was probably you who decided last time that you really really really needed to get into the exit lane on 509 Southbound before I got out of that lane and into the mainline lane of 509 Southbound, which meant that you accelerated, once you saw me there, then cut me off to make the exit. And yet, if you had but waited for two seconds, acknowledging a) my turn signal and b) my relative position geographically further south, I would have exited the lane, leaving it all to you.
However, there is something of an extenuating circumstance for that, and it is this: I am the only person in Seattle who can merge at more than 3/5s of the speed limit, or 20 mph, whichever is least suited for the conditions of merging and the speed limit of the freeway being merged onto. Seriously.
I do not have road rage. I merely have extremely violent impulses that are, in this context, directed at other drivers. I do not pretend that being off the road makes me a sunny person, or that being on the road turns me into evil incarnate.
One of these days I will buy a gun and make Apt Pupil look like a Sunday-school session.
