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This is the last public post on this issue that I shall do for some time, if ever, I think. However, I'm doing it in the hopes that at least it can be part of the public record of my life, if nothing else. I assume that no one involved will read it.
There is nothing in my life that I feel completely positive about. Nothing at all. Everything that I experience is experienced as a mixed feeling, or else as an extreme negative. (An example of the latter would be Bush.) But most of the things that I am involved with are generally-positive, slightly-negative.
Take sewing for example. I sew because I like it, because I like the results, and because I find it an enjoyable activity that is not a waste of time. That doesn't mean, as I'm swearing and struggling for the sixth time to get that bias tape to bend around that seam, that I actually enjoy it at the time. Generally-positive, slightly-negative.
Much of my family is this way, with the exceptions of Middle Sister, who is scary and a definite negative straight off. No one in the family doubts this, I believe, with the exception of her kids and her husband. To me, she is scary and not someone I want to contact. My mother, on the other hand, is the font of wisdom, the source of all goodness, and a lovely creature who is a positive experience all the time.
( It's long. )
The point to this?
It's an apology for something I said (I really don't remember what, and Google doesn't seem to have cached it) to my family. Yes, you make me crazy sometimes. No, I don't have the clear sense that you care about me very much. You do, however, know that I am made crazy by you, and hopefully you know that everyone makes me crazy now. Additionally however, I have never, ever, in my adult life, wished either myself or anyone in my family dead (except for the one time that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jkivela knows about, where I wanted to kill myself), and I do not hate any of you, whatever you may think. I apologise for blogging while tired, and I wish that you would realise that things said while tired are not indicative of things done while not tired, for the reasons outlined above. I am not particularly surprised or angry that you think I could think that, because from my standpoint you are the ones who have made no effort to care.
In addition to my apology, which is meant, I have to be honest and admit that I am very, very angry that you could all just watch things like this post about No Pity, No Shame, No Silence, or this post, about my trip to California and the realisations I made there, or even here, wherein I found out that I didn't know very much about Mom. If you want me to believe that you care, ignoring my life as it happens until you can pounce on the one thing I've said that I never, ever meant is not the way to go about doing so. Thanks for extending me the courtesy of being an interested participant in my life, thanks for doing me the courtesy of caring what happens, and thanks for being understanding of me and my emotional difficulties - you obviously know me so very well that you are completely qualified to judge me on the things I say and do, without bothering to clarify whether I meant them first.
Yeah. I mean the apology, and I promise it'll never be said again, even under a lock, but I'm very, very bitter that you can just sit there and gather things about me. It hurts far more than it does to find out that I have an uninvolved, unrelated lurker watching. It hurts more than it does to realise that I have hurt people I care about that badly. It hurts a whole fuck of a lot, and the worst part is that I know that I didn't mean the post that I made that has you fired up. However, I did mean those posts that I linked above, and if you can just casually pass over those, in favour of one that should have been taken to be not particularly meant other than in the heat of the moment - well, I have to ask myself what you're reading this for. Do you believe that I hate you? Do you actually care about me?
If you do, trust me. It's not coming across.
That's the last thing I'll say about this situation on this forum. If you want to discuss it, you have my number and my email and two of you see me quite often. Thank you for watching me bleed and not bothering to help bandage me, by the way. Thanks very much.
There is nothing in my life that I feel completely positive about. Nothing at all. Everything that I experience is experienced as a mixed feeling, or else as an extreme negative. (An example of the latter would be Bush.) But most of the things that I am involved with are generally-positive, slightly-negative.
Take sewing for example. I sew because I like it, because I like the results, and because I find it an enjoyable activity that is not a waste of time. That doesn't mean, as I'm swearing and struggling for the sixth time to get that bias tape to bend around that seam, that I actually enjoy it at the time. Generally-positive, slightly-negative.
Much of my family is this way, with the exceptions of Middle Sister, who is scary and a definite negative straight off. No one in the family doubts this, I believe, with the exception of her kids and her husband. To me, she is scary and not someone I want to contact. My mother, on the other hand, is the font of wisdom, the source of all goodness, and a lovely creature who is a positive experience all the time.
( It's long. )
The point to this?
It's an apology for something I said (I really don't remember what, and Google doesn't seem to have cached it) to my family. Yes, you make me crazy sometimes. No, I don't have the clear sense that you care about me very much. You do, however, know that I am made crazy by you, and hopefully you know that everyone makes me crazy now. Additionally however, I have never, ever, in my adult life, wished either myself or anyone in my family dead (except for the one time that
jkivela knows about, where I wanted to kill myself), and I do not hate any of you, whatever you may think. I apologise for blogging while tired, and I wish that you would realise that things said while tired are not indicative of things done while not tired, for the reasons outlined above. I am not particularly surprised or angry that you think I could think that, because from my standpoint you are the ones who have made no effort to care.In addition to my apology, which is meant, I have to be honest and admit that I am very, very angry that you could all just watch things like this post about No Pity, No Shame, No Silence, or this post, about my trip to California and the realisations I made there, or even here, wherein I found out that I didn't know very much about Mom. If you want me to believe that you care, ignoring my life as it happens until you can pounce on the one thing I've said that I never, ever meant is not the way to go about doing so. Thanks for extending me the courtesy of being an interested participant in my life, thanks for doing me the courtesy of caring what happens, and thanks for being understanding of me and my emotional difficulties - you obviously know me so very well that you are completely qualified to judge me on the things I say and do, without bothering to clarify whether I meant them first.
Yeah. I mean the apology, and I promise it'll never be said again, even under a lock, but I'm very, very bitter that you can just sit there and gather things about me. It hurts far more than it does to find out that I have an uninvolved, unrelated lurker watching. It hurts more than it does to realise that I have hurt people I care about that badly. It hurts a whole fuck of a lot, and the worst part is that I know that I didn't mean the post that I made that has you fired up. However, I did mean those posts that I linked above, and if you can just casually pass over those, in favour of one that should have been taken to be not particularly meant other than in the heat of the moment - well, I have to ask myself what you're reading this for. Do you believe that I hate you? Do you actually care about me?
If you do, trust me. It's not coming across.
That's the last thing I'll say about this situation on this forum. If you want to discuss it, you have my number and my email and two of you see me quite often. Thank you for watching me bleed and not bothering to help bandage me, by the way. Thanks very much.
