Grinning like a monster

[channonyarrow]

I can tell it's the last week of their terms because faithinthejudas, thisdaywefight, czardonic and amphisbaena ALL JUST POSTED. Like, seriously. Last five entries on ye flist? THOSE FOUR ARE THERE.

So congrats to the four of you for making it this far (sometimes to the end, sometimes just to the end of this year). I sort of wish I was still on that journey.

Oh god, I think this week is going to kill me. I need to start smiting and I need to get ye smiting gear to start smiting. And the first person I'm going to smite is myself.

I have my reasons. I may go into them later when I am not completely insane.

Also: work is making me want to SCREAM right now. Oh my god, I want to go out by the airport, where all the condemned houses are, and SCREAM. Only problem? I CAN'T. Because those houses are BLOCKED OFF NOW for the third runway that we do not need and that I personally DO NOT FUCKING WANT.

OH MY GOOD SWEET CHRIST ON A CRACKER.

I think the only mood option for this is "quixotic". I WANT A FUCKING VACATION.

And a tattoo. I'm seriously starting to think that I'm going to bite the bullet (har!) and get the ginormous dragon backpiece that McArcus drew for me years ago started. I don't know what I'll do with it, exactly, in terms of colour and size (I think it needs to be reduced a LITTLE) but fuck it if I can never wear a fucking strapless evening gown again, do I look like fucking presidential/ambassadorial material ANYWAY?

NO. NO I DO NOT.

Tonight is a reckless night. I can tell. Perhaps it's the sort of night where one goes out and gets drunk in a cheap tavern and punches a biker in the face and grins like a fucking maniac and goes down swinging, but with my luck and general state of health/size, I'd be hospitalised. I probably should just stay in and harness this bizarre and manic energy into drinking, dying my hair, and starting a piece of writing that I STARTED yesterday but have not finished. Since I'm only two sentences in, I'm not STARTED, really.

Also: MUST MAKE SCHEDULE. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I need a schedule for the completion of TDL (currently stuck in a fucking quagmire) and for the finishing/shopping of some other stuff that's been waiting around FORFUCKINGEVER and for the start of, um, I can't even remember the current name, I think it might well be The Crow Road. Because I really really like Iain Banks.

What am I doing with my life? WHAT?

Nothing, that's what. Not yet. And I refuse to fucking do nothing with my fucking life. It's my life, and it's the only one I get, and I AM NOT GOING TO DIE NOBODY.

Fuck everything that ever says otherwise. WITH A TWO BY FOUR.

*catches the energy*

*grins like a monster*

Yeeeaaahh. That's what I've been missing.


ETA: Note to self: Work emails sent while manic make no fucking sense.

Bear this in mind. OH MY GOD.

Comments

[thisdaywefight.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU!

p.s.

you also have the most entertaining posts on my friends list.

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

I AIM TO PLEASE! You're most welcome, and good luck and congratulations!

[czardonic.livejournal.com]

Only finals left, bay-bay. And I actually got sucked into gj for a bit, so I havent been posting here so much - drama blew up and my entries got posted all over the place - and thats where I write mah serious shit, so I was upset for a while.

And omg, I want another tattoo so badly. I love the one I have, but I want like...one more, I dunno where though. Not my foot again. Talk about fucking painful experiences.

And question. By manic, are you just using the word, or are you being serious? Because I'm being rushed into therapy the morning after I get home for a shit load of reasons, but what the counselors at school think is bipolar disorder. Hoo fucking rah.

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

I certainly have a family history of bipolar, and I have always assumed that I exhibit those symptoms, but frankly, after my experiences with my supposed ADD, I don't want to be diagnosed. I want to learn to cope with what I need to learn to cope with, not be given drugs to solve "problems". I'm very anti-medication, which does tend to mean that some things that I classically exhibit (for example, my brother and I are both hypoglycemic, though I'm much more borderline than he is) go undiagnosed because I don't care. Whether or not I am actually bipolar by some arbitrary standard doesn't matter to me - what matters is that I can get things done that I need to. I like the waves I live my life in, and it's never bad enough that I'm either suicidal or skipping work to go buy Mexico, so I can cope - partly this is my own stubbornness, I add, since I refuse to let anyone else win by dying before my time.

So make your own decision. Will a diagnosis change anything? Do you want medication to help you (and bear in mind that you WILL be prescribed SOMETHING, even if you're not bipolar) or is it a case of having a problem and needing to figure out a way to solve it? What if the diagnosis is negative - will whatever makes them think you're bipolar go away then? Can you learn to adapt to whatever is going on, or do you need help? If you do, that's one thing, but it sounds very much like you think you don't. And I know that my experience with Ritalin was such that I will NOT, under ANY circumstances EVER take another goddamn psychoactive drug - I didn't like who I became. So that's a big concern to me, for myself and others.

I'll never get another tattoo on my ankle, but not from the pain - from the fear that I'll kick the artist in the head. But I think that I'm going to get one with a couple coworkers - if the IRS gets my refund to me quick enough, I'll start ze beeg one.

Good luck on finals! I'll talk to you when you're done with those (I'd better damn well, anyway!)

[czardonic.livejournal.com]

No, it's gotten to the point where I seriously need help. And if medication comes with that, I'll take it. My only concern is being hospitalized, because omg I fucking hate hospitals.

When I got my foot down, I bit through my skin trying not to scream, and then bit through the cover of my favorite book. It bled so badly that I needed 5 layers of gauze, swelled up so I couldnt walk for 3 days, scabbed over 2 inches thick... omg it was the worst. Never again.

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

Well then, bear in mind that medication is merely a way to let you solve your problems; it is not a solution in and of itself. (Yeah, I know I sound like the Salvation Army, but I do worry about people.) If you need it to get you through a bad patch, by all means take it, and go happily to the appointment - you get more out of your medication if you're willing to use it, I've found (frustratingly).

Jesus christ. I've never heard of a reaction like that - that sounds terrible. I've never had a problem with any of mine like that - just itch.

[czardonic.livejournal.com]

You're not supposed to get tattoos where I did, and it's the most painful part of the body. Something I didn't realize until I propped my foot up and the guy next to me, covered in tattoos and getting full sleeves went "holy fucking shit, I could never do that."

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

You should post a picture - now I'm curious. Though I keep hearing that different places are the most painful - and i got that sort of about my first which was right over my fucking spine because I am SMRT.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_amphisbaena/]

Thankin' you. I'm also waiting on the end of finals.

What color did you/will you dye your hair?

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

I wound up with a BIG RED BULLSEYE on the back of my head. Not really, especially not given how I style my hair, but DUDE. The bleach didn't take well (I was into the process when I realised I had a different bleach than the kind I like) so I have the back of my head, where my hair's all short anyway, in red, with streaks in my fringe. Not entirely awful, but definitely needs redoing soon.

When are your finals over?

[smokedamage.livejournal.com]

hooray!