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I just realised that I feel totally disconnected from my friends, which is usually a major downward spiral for me ("no one loves me enough to care, everyone is too busy for me to bother them, hey, look, worms!") but the nice thing is: yes, I feel totally disconnected, but that's okay.
I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'm starting to disengage more fully from people who've effectively been putting me in a one-way relationship (and it's their way...) for some time now, or if it's that I joined ALL THE MEETUPS and, even though I haven't gone to any yet, I have that to look forward to, and that is new people and new people are people, and people rock. Or both.
If I ever wound up on a desert island, I would either need a fairly large shitload of books (20 at least, and 50 would be better) and/or other media that I could actually interact with, or interesting people. Otherwise, I would survive about five minutes - I do alone just fine, but I don't do lonely well, and I get lonely very easily, unfortunately. I wish it wasn't true, since I have a consistent habit of picking such winnars for IRL friends, but there we are. Short of a lobotomy, it's unlikely to change.
I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'm starting to disengage more fully from people who've effectively been putting me in a one-way relationship (and it's their way...) for some time now, or if it's that I joined ALL THE MEETUPS and, even though I haven't gone to any yet, I have that to look forward to, and that is new people and new people are people, and people rock. Or both.
If I ever wound up on a desert island, I would either need a fairly large shitload of books (20 at least, and 50 would be better) and/or other media that I could actually interact with, or interesting people. Otherwise, I would survive about five minutes - I do alone just fine, but I don't do lonely well, and I get lonely very easily, unfortunately. I wish it wasn't true, since I have a consistent habit of picking such winnars for IRL friends, but there we are. Short of a lobotomy, it's unlikely to change.
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(They have just told me that I can take two days of the six weeks leave I have built up. Provided I take a workphone with me and remain on call for those two days.
...
NO WORDS >:(
)
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And this wasn't a whinge about internet friends (let's face it ... internet friends do actually have real lives!) as I'm actually not upset with anyone I know online. It's just sad to realise that the person or people you once felt inseparable from promised that they'd call you back 3 weeks (and four states) ago, or whatever, and it's hard to see that it's likely life rather than malice, but my depression/anxiety group has introduced me to cognitive behaviour therapy and mindfulness, which may actually be the best thing ever, so it's actually really an achievement that I don't go through these steps:
1) feel unlikeable;
2) feel lonely;
3) assume everyone you know hates you and has only been spending any time with you because they want something from you and now they no longer do and so you are a useless, pointless millstone that they're trying to ditch if only you'd just stop clinging;
4) destroy all about you, up to and including sowing the ground with salt.
Point 3 there is somewhat out of proportion with points 1 and 2. :)
And I've noticed that I'm not sure whether my IRL relationships (at least a couple of them) are just in a lull or whether they're truly over, but I've done the thing that I was doing before I saw it recommended by Captain Awkward yesterday (awesome blog!) where you sit down and think "I need X from Y person but Y is not capable of giving me X, and never has been, because Y's own issues with Z emotion cause Y to not hug people because Y is afraid to touch people so I can't expect hugs from Y and it's okay not to," or whatever less-weird thing you actually put in there for X, Y, and Z, and I've BEEN doing it, and I'm really feeling a lot like if I break it down to "I need A, B, and C support from person D, but D isn't capable of A, B, or C because of events 1, 2, and 3 in their life, and yet D wants A, B, and C from ME," then it's not so much that the relationship is in a lull or is retrenching or is going through a logical growth stage: it's that D is a user who will never be supportive in even the most minimal capacity that I need for my own mental health and benefit from the relationship.
If your own life is so perma-fucked that all you can do is expect support from me, then I have many and varied better things to be doing, including learning Russian so I can alphabetize my canned goods using the Cyrillic alphabet. It's not okay for me to go from points 1 and 2 to points 3 and 4 above, but it's also not okay for someone else to expect me to be a doormat for their own shit.
God, I have just turned into a therapy asshole, haven't I?
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FYI, in case I have contributed to this, May was weekend madness. I have every intention of getting together with you at some point in the next couple of weekends. This weekend looking good at all?
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As for this weekend, I have a lot on my plate for Sunday - let me check the film schedule and see if there are any must-catches on Saturday and let you know.
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